Episode Details

We welcome back Erika Bolneo after episode #5 where we discussed the original love story, now topped with another jaw-dropping love story and how it all happened during COVID (as well as the news that she’s 6 months pregnant). We also cover some ESSENTIAL dating tips for both men and women and discuss the issues men face when traveling to and living in developing nations.

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Episode Transcript

[00:00:01] Erika: So let’s just make things clear. I can say whatever I want. 

[00:00:05] Clément: Yeah. 

[00:00:07] Erika: Are you going to, you’re going to keep in all the good stuff or leave it on edited, but keeping all the good stuff li throw out all the junk, cause I’m going to be really real and really open with you.

[00:00:17] Cause that’s what you just are so good at doing to me and everyone else. I’m sure. But it’s funny because ever since then, and what has happened recently? I get so many questions about how do you meet people? Where do you find these amazing men? Just about love and relationships in general.

[00:00:38] And I’m thinking, just going to address this, 

[00:00:41] Clément: you’re not bad looking, you have a pretty interesting personality to start with. So that’s, you’ve already got like you’re 50% of the way there. I would say, 

[00:00:51] Erika: got high standards. 

[00:00:52] Clément: Highest not to put anyone down, who’s listening or watching this.

[00:00:57] I mean it’s, but it definitely makes an impact, but do you think what they’re saying is okay we recognized, like there’s a universal issue of like, how do you find a good man? 

[00:01:07] Erika: Not even that, because it’s not even just women that are asking me, but it’s men and more, interestingly men have the same issues as women.

[00:01:20] They’re all trying to find connection. And they want to find love and they want commitment. And it’s so hard because you hear a lot of women complaining about men being block this one out, fuck boys and just ghosting them. And, yeah, you’re just gonna have to beat that one. Sorry.

[00:01:37] But women just struggling and they complain about it. But I think, there’s a certain way that you can conduct yourself to magnetize Quality men, men on the other hand as well, that it’s right. And you would be, you’re a male. You men want to commit, but they don’t want to commit to the wrong person.

[00:02:00] And they’re, I guess they’re wiser in that they, if they don’t see a future, they’re not going to just keep going along the ride, I 

[00:02:08] Clément: feel like, okay. So that’s a really, those are really good points and I’m doing this for a while. I have spoken to people and I’ve realized what most of the issues are when it comes to dating and relationships and all of that, because I had to.

[00:02:24] But something really interesting has come to my attention recently and it’s because I moved to Columbia to live here for awhile. I’m not living here full time. And I’ll talk more about this, but my girlfriends literally sitting right next to me at the moment.

[00:02:43] Erika: Yeah, 

[00:02:45] Clément: I’m here in Medellín, which is where Pablo Escobar used to live and was born in and lived in, ran his whole drive. If you haven’t seen Narcos on Netflix are highly recommended. Apparently that’s not even half of the stuff that he did. That goes, that, that says something about him as a person.

[00:03:01] That aside, this place is usually commented on as the place where you’ll find the most attractive women. Like it’s just yes. Level of aesthetic beauty of the people that live here is just on another level. It’s crazy. I don’t understand it myself. But I would say that was one of the main reasons why I got attracted to this place as a man, because the women here are just really beautiful and.

[00:03:30] What I, what came to my attention and what I’m trying to get at here is there’s a lot of people who come here for the same reason, and that is to have sex with women, to meet women, to date women. And it’s not the only place on the planet that people do that there’s a lot of countries and a lot of cities that people go that men mainly go do that.

[00:03:49] And yeah, the Philippines and that works a little bit of a trend here in my history. Yeah, and I am in a relationship now and one of the, one of the reasons that I decided to go ahead with the relationship, not the main reason, but one of the reasons is that I think I am not at my best when I’m being that kind of non-committal.

[00:04:15] Guy who just wants to have fun and meet people and keep meeting people. And there’s a never, it’s never an end game you’re playing. So I was quick to realize that this time it’s almost like I’ve grown out of it. And I wanted to bring that up because you were talking about how men are a little bit wiser when it comes to scouting out whether or not that’s a relationship they want to commit to.

[00:04:37] But I just wanted to really say that, there’s a whole problem with men and commitment in general and it’s because places. Or I suppose we’re not as traditional as we used to be, so there’s a conservative values have disappeared for the most part. And these days dating is like a never-ending, like I said, and never-ending game for a lot of people, even for some women too, I’ve met women who don’t want to commit and don’t want to get married and don’t want to have kids and they just want to have fun.

[00:05:08] And that’s okay. I don’t have a problem with it, but are you really, you really do. You really want to do that for the rest of your life? You don’t want to mess around with that. Cause one day you might wake up and you’ll be like, why the fuck didn’t I. Married and have kids. I, I’m like 45 and I can’t do that now.

[00:05:26] Kind of thing. Yeah. 

[00:05:28] Erika: Is it meaning though meaningful? I feel as you get you grow more mature, you seek more meaning and maybe it’s our hormones realizing certain things. But I think we, it’s a little bit lazy and complacent. Can’t be bothered chasing that burden.

[00:05:47] It’s it? But it’s, I think it’s meaning, you realize that you feel good when you’re surrounded by love, whether it be from pets or your family your niece and nephew, whatever you have, even your passions, but that is what you start to seek. And, when you’re surrounded by love with those meaningful connections, you take it to the next level and you think, okay, I’m ready to be in a romantic love relationship.

[00:06:14] And I think it all goes from there. 

[00:06:15] Clément: There’s a lot of doctors, it, you bring, you brought up something really interesting, which is biological triggers and the way that they change your behavior, even on a subconscious level I am much more open to relationship now because of the fact that my hair is falling out and I’m getting older and I’m like, okay, maybe it is going to come the back.

[00:06:39] Here’s the thing. This is the test. If my hair comes back full tilt, like next year, am I going to just leave my girlfriend?

[00:06:50] Not for her, but in general 

[00:06:54] Erika: you were just so ridiculous and I cannot believe your honesty. And you came out with that just a flat out is that what’s happening.

[00:07:05] Oh, he is the best. Isn’t he? The greatest, one of my favorite all time comedians, the Ricky Gervais and Billy bill Bailey. Bill 

[00:07:15] Clément: Bailey. Excellent. Yeah, they were watching humanity on Netflix and it was difficult to watch, like with someone, because you could feel the tension, you could feel that the jokes just weren’t getting accepted and you’re all trying to laugh and they’re like not laughing on your leg. It’s just a joke. It’s just joking about that. But he’s very, that’s why I was saying, I but that was a good point. You brought up the whole biological aspect of it but yeah, what does it really, you could probably have a meaningful relationship.

[00:07:44] You can, it’s not like a probable, you definitely can have a meaningful relationship for your entire life and not get married and not have kids. So what is it that I’m basically trying to say? I think it’s, there’s no one size fits all for everybody, but me personally, I’m an addict, I’m an addict.

[00:08:06] I’m a sex addict. I’m an alcohol addict on the gaming addict. I have had these addictions in my life that I’ve had to come to terms with. And Joe Rogan talks about this on his podcast with a neuroscientist, I believe in there talking about addiction in general. And he used to be addicted to like video game called quake which is like this, only God I’m not even going to go into it, but basically that is a real.

[00:08:31] Nowadays, if you play that, it’s what the fuck did people play this for? This is really shitty game. There’s nothing to do on it, but it was one of the first ones that came out that was really, and he was addicted to that and he said he would stay up all night and he would play it, but it was the competitive aspect of it that he was finding that it was addictive for me.

[00:08:48] It’s the feeling, it’s the emotion that I get. It’s the dopamine release that I get. And so I got addicted to not just gaming but like sex and alcohol. Thank God. I didn’t get addicted to drugs. I think my parents did a really good job of kind of making me aware of perhaps the trials of getting, doing drugs.

[00:09:07] But I just I don’t want to, I want to be mature and I want to live a life that has that, where I’m growing as a person. And if I don’t get in a relationship and if I don’t have children, if I don’t think that I’m going to reach my potential. 

[00:09:25] Erika: And it’s the most beautiful thing that is the most beautiful thing.

[00:09:30] And she say, you’re getting really, you’re getting cheap. It’s funny you talk about that addiction. And I was thinking, would you admit that you’ve been addicted to love, about all of the neurotransmitters I get released during courtship and when you actually fall in love, you got adrenaline when you’re first attracted to someone, and then you have that dopamine when you’re falling in love, which is basically the same release works on the same reward pathway as cocaine.

[00:09:59] And then you have oxytocin, which has similar to heroin. So it is so easy to become addicted to. I thought you would have looked into the neuroscience behind love because I just I find it so fascinating and I wanted to understand the brain and what actually happens when people fall in love.

[00:10:19] And it’s the say it is a genuine addiction. Yeah it’s, 

[00:10:24] Clément: It must be one of the most addictive experiences because of the kind of immediate physiological impact it has on you. That’s what everyone always writes songs about and makes movies about. And that honeymoon phase is just insane, how it changes your entire perspective on life.

[00:10:46] And, I was thinking about this the other day. My girlfriend doesn’t speak English. And even though she’s sitting to the left or, and she doesn’t speak English, I’m still a little bit concerned about the things that I’m saying. 

[00:10:58] Erika: She is gorgeous by the way. And before you turn on the camera or the microphone, or before you knew I was here, I heard you speaking Spanish.

[00:11:07] That Spanish. 

[00:11:09] Clément: Yes. So in Latin America and Columbia, they speak Spanish. And that’s what I’ve been speaking every single day for the last month or so. And I’m, my brain is dead, basically. I’m just, 

[00:11:18] Erika: Is it’s impressive. I said, oh, there Harriet Barry, isn’t speaking Spanish. Now this is the coolest thing ever.

[00:11:27] Clément: Yeah. I got a headstart. I lived in Spain for a while I have that on my belt, but I feel a little bit weird saying these things because one day she may very well learn English and then go into the back the backlogs of unleash love and find things that you’re supposed to find. But, okay.

[00:11:42] So here’s what I’m going to say, this relationship, and I’ve had 18 years of relationships. Okay. So I’ve had two five-year relationships to two year relationships and then a bunch of other relationships altogether probably run about 18 years. It’s a lot of time and every single relationship I had gotten into until this one, I had a massive honeymoon.

[00:12:06] Phase, it was like a, that sweep you off your feet feeling 

[00:12:11] Erika: and that feeling cool 

[00:12:15] Clément: feeling. Yeah. And it’s a, it’s an interesting feeling. And it’s the one that is the addictive one that you’re talking about. It’s the one that says, oh, I just labeled myself. I’ve just become whole.

[00:12:26] And so you’re you’re tricking yourself almost into thinking that this other person has given you. The missing pieces of you, you missing pieces of your heart. 

[00:12:35] Erika: You’re just blinded. That’s what happens. You have totally blinded. You gotta understand that dopamine actually it, it runs through the limbic system and studies have shown that the stronger your limbic system is, or when there’s a flood, less of your cortex is actually functioning.

[00:12:52] So you are less conscious. Yeah. It’s crazy. You are literally don’t know what’s going on because you’re just running on this high. So the rest of your brain switches off. You’re not as logical. That’s interesting. What is your, 

[00:13:07] Clément: what is your, okay, before I ask you this question, I’m just going to finish off what I was saying earlier, but I agree with you.

[00:13:12] Yeah, that definitely is interesting. And I didn’t even know that part about your cortex shutting down. That makes a lot of sense though. Come to think of it because you didn’t make some silly mistakes and some stupid decisions. But this is the only relationship where that hasn’t actually happened to me.

[00:13:26] And, it’s interesting because. I’m very much in I really enjoy spending time with her and we’re already saying, I love you. And, because it’s really, I do feel it. And I do really love spending time with her. And I think she’s an amazing person and we both feel that same way about each other, but we’re not, it’s not like it was before.

[00:13:46] I dunno, everything turned off apart from the relationship in the last times that I had gotten with someone, everything in my life just disappeared. Apart from that one person I had just started something with. And that’s how powerful falling in love was for me in the past. Now I’m like, I want to spend time together, but I don’t let it overtake me and I don’t let it consume me.

[00:14:13] I still focused on things that are important. I know this might sound a bit weird to some people cause they’ll be like duh, that’s right. Oh 

[00:14:19] Erika: no. Do you know what I love so much about everything you’re saying it is. I feel like this is going to well, who knows? Maybe she’ll be the one because now that I’m experiencing a similar thing and I’ve experienced love similar to you, how you’re just in this intense love bubble.

[00:14:38] Don’t get me wrong. I’m in this intense love bubble as well, but there’s also a icon. Explain it. You’re not letting it swallow. You haul, you still go for your goals. And I feel like that’s the healthiest most mature yeah. Oh, that’s 

[00:14:56] Clément: cool that we’re on the same. We’re on the same page.

[00:14:59] Maybe it is. And if it doesn’t work out, then you know what, it doesn’t mean that we failed it just, but I think this is a more mature experience. I think this is just the next level. It’s the next evolution it’s okay. I’m older now. I’ve had all of those experiences. I know what it means. And I’m more familiar with what I’m looking for.

[00:15:22] And I know that, and it is the most important point. Actually. I do not need someone else to complete me because that’s what makes me head over heels for someone is when I think that they can complete me. Cause I’m like chasing after them. Cause if my life depends on it, but now I know that I don’t need anyone to complete me.

[00:15:42] So I’m not losing myself in the relationship. 

[00:15:47] Erika: That is exactly where you want to be. That’s where you want to be. And that’s when you find the one, it’s not that you find the one to complete you. It’s finding someone who you’re completely compatible with and you can go through life with, and I guess this is probably the longest, you’ve been single fun surprise.

[00:16:07] Clément: This is the long it’s the longest, that’d be interesting. 18 years. Yeah. I was singled for when I broke up with my ex, we broke up in September, 2019. So it’s been all the way through from then until a month ago, less than a month ago. So I don’t know how many months that is, but it’s over I think it’s two years.

[00:16:26] Nearly 

[00:16:27] Erika: two years. And I remember our last conversation, you were talking about how some people get into relationships to validate themselves, to have that person there. That’s constantly telling them you’re amazing. I love you. And I think when you spend a good amount of time, single not that I can tell.

[00:16:44] But I make sure that I get to know myself in the relationships. And in recent years I get, I make sure that I don’t lose myself. I’d still follow my passions, but I think when you spend that time you learn to love yourself and validate yourself. And I think that comfort blanket allows you to go into you wouldn’t commit if she wasn’t worth it.

[00:17:05] You know what I 

[00:17:06] Clément: mean? And here’s an interesting test that I did. I’m just being completely honest again. There were a number of people that I had like been talking to. And I had met with a few of them and it was this last one that I met with, which I had already been talking with.

[00:17:23] Veronica is the name of my girlfriend. I’ve been talking with her for, over a year online. Oh, wow. That’s how we do it. Y’all, that’s how we do it on Tinder. So that basically, no, but basically because I was stuck and I couldn’t go anywhere in quarantine. So I had to find a way to socialize and feel like I was having some progression towards meeting someone.

[00:17:46] And we were speaking for over a year and she never, thank God lost interest. And but I had also been speaking with other people and I met with someone who was living here as well.

[00:17:59] As much as I wanted to, as much as I wanted her to be compatible with me, she just wasn’t, we just weren’t compatible with each other. And, at some point you have to recognize that your intuition is really powerful and it’s telling you something it’s the same as when I guess this is for all the stubborn people out there.

[00:18:19] Those very stubborn people like me growing up really stubborn. Wouldn’t listen to my parents, wouldn’t listen to my father. Wouldn’t listen to my instinct. I would just listen to other people and my, childish desires and it got me in some really interesting situations and I’ve got some really interesting memories and stories and experiences, but I think.

[00:18:41] My life would have been so different. I don’t know if it would have been better or worse and I’m not trying to go back and change things. But I feel if I had just listened to myself and my father a little bit more, I probably would have been, maybe in a better financial situation or maybe I would have had accomplished more by now.

[00:18:59] I don’t know, but there’s a lot of wisdom that gets shared with you. And if you don’t follow it, you’re going to have to repeat that lesson over and over again. And I did, I repeated the lesson over and over again, and now I’m 38 years old and maybe I got it right this time, but I did listen to my instinct and it’s hard because you can get hooked on the chemist.

[00:19:22] But chemistry is not a good thing to base a long-term relationship on. It’s a terrible thing.

[00:19:30] Erika: A hundred percent. I totally agree. And for some people it’s, it is chemistry and some other people purely sex women. Some women will stay with a man just because the sex is amazing and it’s the best sex I’ve ever had and they will stay with that person. And it’s just I don’t know, it’s hard, but.

[00:19:57] I can do that. 

[00:19:58] Clément: I think men probably 

[00:19:59] Erika: do that more than and do it as well. Oh, you think I’m not too sure. I 

[00:20:05] Clément: talking about, of course they do.

[00:20:10] Yeah. I had that problem. That’s the problem that I had. I would just stay in a relationship cause it felt good. It wasn’t even just the sex. It was everything. It was like anyway it’s dysfunctional. It shows you that you’re not matured yet enough to know what’s best for you.

[00:20:26] And that’s just the same. That’s the same. 

[00:20:29] Erika: And here we are. Now, here we are now, as I have now pregnant. 

[00:20:35] Clément: Congratulations. If 

[00:20:37] Erika: you want to put this on, I know crazy. I’m 

[00:20:41] Clément: so happy 

[00:20:44] Erika: halfway. 

[00:20:45] Clément: Wow. You do not look so I don’t know how you’re supposed to look when you’re halfway, but you don’t look like you’re halfway.

[00:20:50] Erika: Thank you. I’ve been working out so much. So how do you 

[00:20:54] Clément: feel how much? When you’re pregnant though, 

[00:20:57] Erika: I feel like we couldn’t talk for literally forever. And I feel like this podcast is going to have to cut. The bladder is go, 

[00:21:07] Clément: no go. Just go. 

[00:21:08] Erika: No, not yet. Not yet. Not yet. Yeah, but I’m just saying, 

[00:21:15] Clément: let’s see how far we can go before you really need to go to the toilet, but yeah.

[00:21:19] No. How do you feel about the whole? Okay, let’s talk about this. Cause this is probably the main reason why I wanted to get you one. So what the hell happened with you after our last step? 

[00:21:31] Erika: Oh, okay. When I’d need to know what month it was. So I think we left off, I got the scholarship at the university to undertake my PhD and I was just launching a campaign and international campaign for Auki. I think until about March all was going well, then it got so overwhelming having to juggle a full-time job and a full-time degree of this intensity. And it was all crazy. It was all crazy. It’s been a crazy time, but if you’re asking about the relationship, I don’t know what you’re asking about.

[00:22:12] Clément: No, all of this is interesting stuff. How the hell did you, okay, so you moved on emotionally from your acts that you unfortunately couldn’t couldn’t see anymore due to extenuating circumstances, let’s say COVID circumstance. 

[00:22:29] Erika: So let’s talk about that because, I was actually happy to preach about a long distance relationship.

[00:22:36] It’s interesting because you can keep the connection alive and to anyone who was in a long distance relationship, it’s is very special. You do certain things that makes the other one feel that you’re in love and you have this bond, but I feel like it was more along the lines of who knows who’s going to listen to this, my pod and I, my current pod is probably going to listen to this it’s.

[00:23:02] It was, I had traveled so much and done this so much. And when I had come back to America from Portugal and the us I had this really. This need to live some sort of a stable life. I saw, I sacrificed everything to go over there and I had just finished my degree in honors. I just finished studying neuroscience and to go over there to drop everything much to my parents’ horror, it was a big juggle.

[00:23:40] And then I’m coming back to Australia, having COVID hit. I realized, okay, this is, I can now actually focus on my career and building myself up. I can’t do anything. I can’t travel. I need to really get my shit together and become a lot more responsible. And so that was my main, no one has had, we had, if we have about five cases of COVID in Brisbane, they lock everyone down.

[00:24:08] Clément: But what are you guys going to do? I don’t want to make this into a whole COVID conversation about what are you guys going to do? Cause I’ve been thinking about that. Like you’re so scared of getting it, but then you’re gonna be stuck in doors forever. 

[00:24:21] Erika: Clement let’s honestly, I’ve got lots of friends overseas and seeing God’s just able to travel everywhere is open, but it’s Australia right now.

[00:24:33] I think it’s in North Korea. That’s still locked down. And it’s just, I just feel, gosh, I feel like people should travel at their own risk. Our vaccination rates are pretty high at the moment. So I think once we reach 80% of the population are, they are going to open the borders, but it’s. It’s just horrible.

[00:24:52] And right now I’m actually needing to import a lot of raw ingredients for the fresh batch of oil. And I, want to work on a few more products, but we, there are some countries that we can try and actually receive any postage from including the us. And it’s just a real, wow. It’s just a, been a real pain.

[00:25:12] And I think I’ll God we’ve been doing this COVID thing for nearly two years and they never we were still able to post or receive there were massive delays, but now for it to be, restricted for an indefinite period of time is really frustrating. I don’t know. Hopefully we open.

[00:25:32] The thinking maybe much next year around my 

[00:25:36] Clément: God, that long. That is insane. I con I couldn’t even, so w I thought it was hard enough in the United Kingdom, which schwa was locked down, but to hear what you guys are going through, that’s insanity. I can look okay. Yeah. Let’s not make it about COVID okay.

[00:25:53] You’re doing that. Let’s hope it ends as soon as possible. So when did you meet this new guy who quickly became the father of your unborn child? 

[00:26:07] Erika: You’re gonna love this story. It’s actually sounds like from a movie and I feel terrible because they both do. And the weirdest thing about it is I told you when I first met my ex on Santa Monica pier, and it was, those love and they there was a vibe and I.

[00:26:27] I think I finally felt that I’d met someone that I could raise a family with. I felt that I could see that happening. And he was the first guy that I felt that with. And I feel very silly to say the same thing that’s happened. It’s two guys in a row now who are total winners. But Jason, my partner’s name he is it’s compatibility on all kinds of levels.

[00:26:53] He’s just totally is completely amazing. But if you want to know how we met it was my hot neighbor. 

[00:27:01] Clément: Oh, okay. He was literally your neighbor. That’s amazing. That’s so funny for how long though, he’d always been your neighbor or was he, did he move on or did you move into the, 

[00:27:12] Erika: The funny thing is. I was friends with all the girls at the complex, at the apartment building.

[00:27:19] And I moved in may and we had seen him walking past around June. So we’d been curving on him for a good six months. He just walked past, on his way home. And we would just perv and think who the hell is that guy? He would never look up would never give us any attention. So we would just being Saidy women on the balcony.

[00:27:44] Clément: I say always planted smart. Yeah. He was playing at smart 

[00:27:48] Erika: the first six months. He didn’t look up once, had no interest. And after a while I thought this guy has either got a girlfriend or he’s gay because he’s not even like waving at all. And then one day, six months later. So end of last year, he actually.

[00:28:06] We found him in our hallway trying to fix the fire alarm because it was beeping. And 

[00:28:11] Clément: and then I just,

[00:28:12] Erika: In my head, he was, but I was in complete shock because it was that guy that would intervene on for lunch, changing the fire alarm. And I was just beside myself. And 

[00:28:22] Clément: it’s like, how did that go? What happened? 

[00:28:24] Erika: I rounded all the girls together and I said, look at this guy, changing the fear.

[00:28:28] So one of my couldn’t speak, I was completely shocked. And one of my housemates I’ll call her a housemate. She doesn’t the she’s a friend. And she said, we need to take you out for coffee. To say, thank you. And I was like the board and, I didn’t think much of it because I was taken and I actually wanted to hook her up with him.

[00:28:47] She was very interested and and we went to coffee and still thought nothing of it. And then I think a little while later, he asked her for my phone number. I told him I was engaged. I said, I’m taking actually. We can actually still be friends if you want to, but I am taken and I’m happy. I, yeah, I think I said I have my happy, but I think I said I was in a long distance relationship.

[00:29:21] Totally platonic friendship for two months. Yes. Completely

[00:29:31] Clément: with you from the beginning. And he was just biding his time or he was really just friendly. 

[00:29:37] Erika: It was, he would say some things that made me think that he was interested, but I actually didn’t know that he. Very interested until he wrote me a love letter and let’s not go into the rest of it.

[00:29:54] Cause they’ll get way too embarrassed, but totally platonic. It was a totally 

[00:30:00] Clément: platonic, this is why unleashed love exists because of this mushy stuff that I rarely cover these days. But this is, so this is a breath of fresh air, look, obviously I guess after a certain amount of time, the guy’s going to be like she hasn’t seen this dude like two months now this is, and things are going pretty well.

[00:30:19] This is my chance. And, but the cool thing is that he, it lasted that long and it was going platonically that long. They say that I think that’s a really good way of finding out if. If you’re getting into a relationship for the right reasons. Because as in my experience, when something is like a, an explosion it’s not because you’ve found someone who’s like a great match.

[00:30:46] It’s just chemistry, like overwhelming chemistry, but you don’t know anything about them. You haven’t spent any time learning about each other. So I think that was a good thing. 

[00:30:56] Erika: I think that’s why this is different because I went into it with zero expectations. I actually, I was so faithful in that I was, there was no way I was ending my engagement.

[00:31:07] It just wasn’t going to happen. I didn’t want to break someone’s heart. And it was just playing with my head. How long thing was going to go for, I want it to be as good as possible. But, which is why I didn’t expect a relationship and he didn’t either. But I think after about a month, which is when the love letters started coming I think he, he realized that he had to do something drastic, he had to chase me and let me know how he was feeling.

[00:31:37] Can you 

[00:31:37] Clément: help me out with a little marketing clip here? Because I want to know, I think men need to know, do those kind of, gentlemen, like behaviors work these days because a lot of. Toxic feminine messaging has gotten to the heads of many men around the world. And now that that, that whole approach just seems to be off the books for them.

[00:32:04] So did it work with you? 

[00:32:07] Erika: I have to giggle at that because I guess when it happened, the cutest thing about it was I was okay, so I had no feelings. I was like, okay, this guy’s really attractive, but whatever, I can have attractive friends of the opposite sex because I look at people who they are, I don’t care if you’re sick, if you’re not.

[00:32:30] Yeah. I don’t know. Hot.

[00:32:37] No, I, people can be attractive, but if the heart isn’t attractive, I’m not interested at all. If you’re super hot, but a douche I give zero, like just no. And so I

[00:32:51] Clément: No, we were talking about the whole old fashioned you off with my dark sense of humor. The the whole, does it work? Does that traditional approach work? 

[00:33:00] Erika: It’s funny that you say that because I just completely had no idea. And he actually called me to the back fence. Cause he’s my neighbor. He called me to the back fence.

[00:33:13] I know I were like, what in high school or something. And he gave me a letter and some chocolates that, oh, this is interesting. We would just, having a friendly coffee this morning. And it’s because I said no to going over his house to have wine later that evening, I thought I just saw this guy this morning.

[00:33:34] I’m not going to go for wine. And that’s a bit naughty. It’s not going to happen. So I actually rejected him. I said, no, I don’t think that’s a good idea. And so he called me to the back fence. And when he, when I read his letter, he had just poured his heart out about how he’d actually been feeling.

[00:33:50] And it was a complete shock to me because I thought we were just mates and as sweet as that sounds, I grew up in Disney. So I think, and I’m Filipino. So I think culturally, I feel like I am inclined to the traditional ways of doing things and it, and I thought it was very sweet, but my best friend who is Australian she, I told her about it and her reaction was.

[00:34:23] Oh, that is so creepy. And, but you would love that shit. She’s you would love that shit. You love that mushy stuff. And so it’s true. So I think I thought the true romantics, maybe it will still work for the modern Western woman. Maybe not, she thought it was totally creepy. And he was 

[00:34:42] Clément: saying, if you’re on Tinder, basically the story is if you’re searching something to filters, make sure you’re filtering.

[00:34:51] Disney movies and that kind of thing. You’ll figure it out along the way, but okay. So there’s still, it’s still works, but then in some cases it does. And I get it. I understand it doesn’t, it didn’t work for me all the time in the past. Like when I did that kind of stuff,

[00:35:08] give me another marketing clip here, but this time it’s for women. Would it have been different for you? Do you think if you had just said yeah, let’s do wine. 

[00:35:21] Erika: Yeah, totally. I know. I am a firm believer in our primal human instincts. And men are hunters. They hunt. They are hunters. They want to be able to chase.

[00:35:37] They want to be able to hunt. And if you are giving yourself up too easily that part of their nature is not being tickled at all. And it’s actually one of the reasons why he became so obsessed is probably not a good word, but I think, he’s a really attractive guy. I don’t know if you’ve seen him, but he’s very attractive and I think it’s always been so easy for him.

[00:36:00] He’s so lovely. He’s beautiful inside and out and yeah, he’s just, I’m very lucky, but I think it’s always been easy for him. If anything, he’s usually been the one who women have cracked onto or approached or Yeah, he’s been chased, so he’s never had to do the chasing and because I was totally not about it.

[00:36:20] I think he he woke up, he’s who the hell is this girl who is not wanting to sleep with me while her partner is in another country who will never find out? She’s still being faithful. I’m chasing her. She’s rejecting me. What is this? And I think because of that, he actually grew to trust me, ironically because he was a, was the big carrot being dangled.

[00:36:45] He was this, Sorry. Yeah it’s a bit of an innuendo, but he was a big juicy cat being dangled and I was Roger. And not biting and he just thought it was a, I think it was just very quickly. 

[00:37:00] Clément: Huh. That is really interesting. I like that. I think that you are hitting the nail on the head right there, because in my experience again with this is a very honest conversation and how do I say this?

[00:37:14] Any woman that I have slept with immediately is literally off the cards for me. Really I’m not even joking. That’s unfortunately that’s unfair because I’m sure that a lot of people I’ve met and by the way, I’m, I haven’t slept with a ton of people, but a lot of people that I’ve met who would have done that.

[00:37:37] Or did do that are worthwhile and obviously can bring value. And, but I just didn’t consider it because it was already over in my head. It’s crazy how fast these things work, but what do you think it stems from? Where is this coming from? Is it like a desperation? Is it like, oh no, maybe I’m going to lose them.

[00:37:57] Maybe I should just, give them what they want so that they can like, and 

[00:38:01] Erika: then what, why women do it? I feel and I speak to a lot of, I’m lucky enough to have a lot of women, a lot of friends who are still single. So I have both, I’ve got a lot of women, friends who married and then relationships and that type of thing.

[00:38:18] And then I’ve got a lot of single girlfriends, but my single girlfriends who you know, who are still single, obviously. They, and that maybe do try this in a way that doesn’t sound terrible. But I feel like from what I hear they seem to sleep with people easily because they want to keep them.

[00:38:44] They think it’s a way to create that connection quicker. What better way, what quicker connection, what better way to create that connection? Then six, that physical connection of sex and sharing your body with someone. And it’s just so wrong. It’s just, I dunno. 

[00:39:02] Clément: You will lose.

[00:39:03] Potential partners because you don’t do that, but are they really the kind of partners you want? That’s the test right there. It’s you know what it is, it’s a filter, you’re you being filtered in your filtering them. So if you can not give your body away and if men can be okay with women, not giving their body away, you’re on track to having something real and finding out before it’s too late before it’s over because sex is the ultimate thing.

[00:39:40] Which is why when it’s over so quickly and there’s nothing else that’s been manually like in nourished or curated then there’s no reason to keep going. What’s 

[00:39:50] Erika: exactly right. The hunt is over. 

[00:39:53] Clément: I’ve already gotten the reward, but that’s, I think sex is like best when it’s, there’s some emotion behind it.

[00:40:01] There’s some 

[00:40:01] Erika: definitely real connections. Definitely. Exactly. So he actually, he hunted me and he just, he was just pursuing and I. Kept on rejecting, which was probably driving him. Absolutely insane. Cause I don’t, I actually don’t think he’s been rejected before ever. Not once. And so he was I dunno what he was thinking.

[00:40:23] Maybe it made him feel that I was. The value is not, I do feel valuable to it and that’s another one. But it’s not that I was even trying to play that game because I know that men, I know to not give it up too easily, traditional Filipino mother, typical men just want the one thing I’ve always, she always said that growing up, but it’s more that I wouldn’t want to share my body with someone unless I felt totally comfortable until it felt until I felt ready.

[00:40:54] So it wasn’t even just playing the cat and mouse game. It’s why would you want to show you what he was? Someone until you feel totally ready to do that? Yeah, 

[00:41:04] Clément: I think that makes sense. It’s really great advice and it’s not look if it comes naturally great, you’ve had some amazing parenting.

[00:41:12] You’ve had some amazing developmental experiences and that’s, it’s working for you. If it doesn’t come naturally, then you can consciously. Decide not to give it up too quickly. And I think just as I’m talking about and were talking about women and how women can perhaps find more connection with the men that they date and not risk losing them too quickly.

[00:41:36] I think on the flip side, it goes back to what I was saying at the beginning of the conversation, which is that, men really need to be conscious of whether they’re letting their addictions and their kind of primal desires override, potentially what could be a massive regret later in life.

[00:41:58] You could spend your whole. Thirties and forties sleeping with women in a developing country, because that’s where you’re going to be able to do that because in developed countries, women generally tend to have more opportunity and aren’t pressured to give themselves away because you don’t want to regret that later and say, oh my God, I was an addict and I never knew it.

[00:42:22] Erika: I guess it’s all impulsivity. If they’re finding that they’re constantly chasing other sex, drugs, alcohol, whatever it be to make them feel good. I think it’s the inability to control the impulses and how do they practice and delayed gratification, how being able to do that might be able to prevent them from seeking out things that are giving them pleasure and things that are making them feel good.

[00:42:47] Clément: Yeah, th the whole thing is that study that was done that’s always quoted about the delayed gratification and the kids. They got, a control group and they said if you do this thing, you’re going to get a sweet.

[00:42:59] But then the other group, they said, if you do this thing, you’re going to get a sweet. But if you. For 10 minutes and you get another one. And so it was fascinating because they covered, they followed these children for 10 years or something. Oh, wow. Yeah. And they were able to measure that the group that waited the extra 10 minutes to get the extra sweet did much better in life, in so many different aspects, professionally, emotionally in relationships and they just outperformed the other group.

[00:43:34] So it really does go to show how much delaying your own gratification and the ability to delay your own gratification has has an impact on the rest of your life. In every area almost, I would say. 

[00:43:48] Erika: It’s it being able to delay that gratification. It takes some discipline to do that. And I guess if you have a discipline, you can basically do anything anything.

[00:43:58] Clément: Yeah. Again, like we could talk about that forever. I love that kind of stuff. But, we’ve covered so much in your bladder’s about to burst. So

[00:44:12] Erika:

[00:44:12] Clément: heard you say it the first time and I didn’t forget. And I was like, give me a little more sentence out of this woman. 

[00:44:18] Erika: But let me just say, yeah, no, it’s definitely it’s every half hour right now. So I’ve been holding it up. You 

[00:44:24] Clément: know, the thing is I, you don’t have a book, so to speak right.

[00:44:27] To cause usually people come on here and I’ve gotten rid of the whole chat. I used to cry. I used to put these conversations into different groups. I would have like people who are just, chats and then I’d have experts. And I just got rid of all of that and I’m just putting them all in the same.

[00:44:41] So you usually would say, okay, at this point, Hey, you can go and buy my book from here, but would you have your own. 

[00:44:49] Erika: Yeah. Yeah. They come in to promote the, I tick to no, to all of that. Cause I just wanted to catch up with you and I thought, okay, we might talk about relationships.

[00:45:01] We might talk about business. We might talk about the science side of things. But as I told you, I want to do it legitimately and maybe in three months or six months and I have a publication and I can do myself an expert of the brain because that is what I’m studying. Then I will 

[00:45:20] Clément: promote it.

[00:45:20] Okay, I’ll do it for you then since you’re so humble, but you have botanical cosmetics slash botanical company, where you do these kinds of really nice organic products, what’s it called? 

[00:45:35] Erika: it’s a holistic beauty brand. Auka. Okay. 

[00:45:40] Clément: What’s the website. Cause they really nice. They look awesome.

[00:45:43] And I’m, I don’t know if I’m a target audience of yours. I don’t know if it’s for women only or whatever, but I’m going to check it out after this as well, but I’ve seen the ads and they look great. You 

[00:45:53] Erika: needed for your hair? Not that I can notice if we see it, but Nigella, sativa oil has traditionally been used for hair growth and hair thickening.

[00:46:05] And whether you massage the oil on to the areas of concern, or if you consume the capsules, you notice less fall out, definitely less full out. Like you just see less on the bathroom and your hair will just get thicker. It’s incredible. It’s so effective. But the website is key beauty and.com and we can ship internationally depending on the COVID restrictions at the moment, because yeah.

[00:46:35] Clément: Yeah. That’s not going to that. And that’s going to be a downer for the end of the convo, cool. Okay. I’m going to check out that hair full thing to you. I’m going to let you go after this. Do you think that standing on your head for 30 minutes is going to help. 

[00:46:49] Erika: For the circulation, maybe you can try.

[00:46:53] It is. It will send blood to that area. And boosting circulation always helps. And maybe you should do it, let us know how you go, but I’m so happy for you for being in the findings, such a beautiful lady and the living your best life over in Columbia right now. Honestly, 

[00:47:15] Clément: I feel so excited for you to do that again.

[00:47:18] And I hope that the end of the quarantine come sooner because it’s so tragic, but definitely I feel great. And thank you for that. And yeah, you’ll be doing it soon. Just like 

[00:47:28] Erika: everyone else. Yeah, I think so. I hope so, but it’s such a pleasure speaking to you. It’s always, I wish this wasn’t.

[00:47:37] Stopping us, but talking longer, but I’m sure we’ll chat again soon. 

[00:47:42] Clément: Okay, great. Thank you. It’s good to have you on.