Episode Details

Clément dives deep into what it feels like to truly choose someone for a lifelong partner: how to find someone worthy, how to break the barrier of commitment issues and other hurdles that stood in his way both mentally and emotionally.

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Episode Transcript

[00:00:01] Clement: So here I am sat in the office on a Sunday, trying to catch up on all the things that I’ve got to do. All the businesses that I’m running, all the different projects that I’m involved with. And I’m here recording content for the week ahead, and I’ve got a list of topics that I can talk about. And one of the major ones that I want to mention is all about knowing when you found your person and having the courage to really assess that, because. It, even if you find someone who’s really appropriate for you, who matches all the checks, all the boxes matches all the criteria that you might have, right?

[00:00:44] You may want to push them away because you have, let’s say. Commitment issues or your paranoid, that things aren’t going to work out that you’re averse to risk and you don’t want to be hurt again from past traumas. So all of these things are issues that I’ve had to tackle. And I’m 38 years old and I definitely want to be in a relationship.

[00:01:08] There’s no doubt about it. I’ve had 18 plus years of relationships in total throughout my life. And I can tell you that those years have been some of the best years of my life. Because of the things that I’ve experienced, I also had a period very recently where I’ve had time to really think about, well, what makes me happy? What didn’t work in my previous relationships, why did they fail? And I came full circle into this mindset of paranoia and maybe one of just avoidance of commitment, because I didn’t want to have another failure. All right. I’d had so many quote unquote failures under my belt, that I was like, hell no, I’m not going to go through that again. And I had to coach my way back out of it because that is not a healthy way to look at life. It’s not a healthy way to look at relationships because every time you’re going to meet somebody, you’re going to have that reaction, that triggering event, where you start to believe these paranoid thoughts.

[00:02:17] That it’s just going to end up the same way it did before. And one of the things that we hear over and over again is that when we focus on something, we make it true. That becomes our reality. And so you gotta be very careful about the things you choose to allow to grow in your mind, the ideas, the concepts, the ways of thinking.

[00:02:38] And I wanted to explain to you how it feels to to find someone that you’re going to benefit from having in your life, what that feels like and how to move ahead in that direction towards living a life, which is interdependent not codependent. Codependency is a very normal way of having a relationship with someone, but it’s not healthy because codependency basically means you rely on each other for things like happiness, whereas interdependency is where you can include each other in your life, but you’re not relying on each other for things like happiness. So hope that makes sense. So how do you move in the direction of interdependency with this person that you’ve met? Who seems to check all the boxes makes you happy? You can talk to them.

[00:03:32] You can laugh with them. You can feel a sense of trust with them and it’s not easy. I’m not going to be able to give you like a playbook here, but what I can do is I can share with you some of my experiences and hopefully that will help you in your own life and in your own relationships. Now for me I used to jump into things very quickly.

[00:03:55] So I would find somebody that I like somebody that seemed to check criteria, the thing is I wasn’t very clear about what I wanted or what was good for me. And the problem with that is if you’re not clear about what you want, not just in relationships, but in life in general, things are going to show up that check some boxes, but don’t check all the boxes because you haven’t figured out what those other boxes are. And so you’re going to start to buy into things like relationships or ideas or friends or careers. And then you’re going to realize maybe, a week, a month, a year later, that it just wasn’t the right match because it was missing something.

[00:04:39] So first step, really that I have taken to put myself in a position where I’m very confident. Yeah. That I know what I want. And what’s good for me is to just get clear on those things is to think about them. And I did a real about this just recently. I did a real about this a few days ago. Get clarity, right?

[00:04:59] Get clarity. It doesn’t take long, it, any exercise that you haven’t done before. Is uncomfortable because you’re diving into the unknown. You’ve not got the muscles developed yet to actually fulfill that task easily. So you have to be creative and you have to solve problems and challenges, and really exert yourself mentally and emotionally.

[00:05:26] Doing that is really important. And breaking through that discomfort barrier of really thinking about things that you’ve never thought about before is essential. But once you can do that, then it doesn’t take long to figure it out. For example, getting clear on your goals in life.

[00:05:44] That could take a day, just a day to get clear because all you need to do is think about what do you want? What makes you happy? What makes you feel fulfilled? What is it that has impassioned you? Where do you think you can give the most? And then you can go on that kind of course, to writing it out, getting in your mind, clarifying it.

[00:06:06] And, journaling helps with this and all that kind of stuff, but that’s, the same process you would do for finding out what kind of person are you looking for? And there are topics of discussion around manifesting the perfect partner. I personally don’t want to go that deep with things because I don’t believe that you can, I don’t believe there’s like a person who should check all this boxes.

[00:06:32] All these criteria is because we don’t know what’s best for us sometimes. We can only clarify to a certain degree. And after that things become prevalent things show up that we didn’t know about. We learn, we adapt, we evolve. In fact, a lot of the challenges that we go through in life with the people that we meet are, from one perspective, exactly what we need to become the best versions of ourselves, because we can’t do that if we’re not being challenged to grow. Just to give you an example of what that really means is that you shouldn’t feel a hundred percent comfortable with your partner.

[00:07:09] I know this goes against maybe in one perspective, things that I’ve said earlier in this conversation or this monologue or other. Honestly, your partner should be challenging you in ways that are beneficial, right? Not drama, negative like energy ways, right? You want, you don’t want to argue with your partner.

[00:07:30] You don’t want to be fighting with your partner, but challenge in the sense that they’re bringing something into your life, that you didn’t consider a different point of view, a different philosophy. They’re bringing in opportunities for you to have greater patience have greater empathy have greater self love, all of those kinds of things.

[00:07:52] So that’s what I mean. And therefore, when you’re trying to figure out exactly what kind of person would be good for you. You shouldn’t really go into too much detail. Like they need to have a chiseled jaw or something like that. I joked about this with someone on a podcast, big feet. Don’t go into it to that degree, but definitely try to figure out, what do you stand for? You want someone who is never going to lie to you? That would be a good thing for anybody. Nobody wants to be lied to. So I had to get clear on those things. You can too, you just have to spend some time doing it.

[00:08:28] And once I did that, then, actually I was seeing more and more, the people that matched that criteria. So that was the big shift from meeting people that weren’t the right match to actually starting to become attracted to people that were the right match. Because now I’d reconfigured my brain to notice the people that were good for me.

[00:08:51] And I had accepted that those were the kinds of people that were good for me. Now here’s the thing: before, I wasn’t actually attracted to these people. I was attracted to the ones that were going to bring me short term pleasure. And it’s not just sex. It’s things like fun, going out and just having a good time, maybe in a bar or in a cinema or a restaurant, or just basically allowing me to live a life that doesn’t align with my greater self, something that is focused more on the immediate pleasure and not the long-term future growth of myself and my partner.

[00:09:33] So that’s not helpful for anyone who wants to have a long-term relationship because a long-term relationship requires that you look into the future and start planning. Otherwise, where are you going to go? So I wasn’t attracted to those people because I was looking for someone that could allow me to maintain that lifestyle of just neglecting my responsibilities. And that’s one of the reasons why I love talking about responsibilities because I have gone through hell and back to become aware of how important it is to take responsibility for, your life. So you’ll notice maybe a shift in your attraction to the people you meet you, you’re going to start getting less attracted to those people that you were looking for or bringing into your life before. And you’re going to start to get more attracted to the people that you are now consciously looking for. And that’s a great feedback, because it means that what you’ve done is actually working.

[00:10:39] Okay. If that doesn’t happen, it means you haven’t really gotten a well, you haven’t really accepted that’s best for you. And whatever’s best for you. Whatever you accept is best for you becomes what you want.

[00:10:51] Once that happened, I had to get my head around this commitment issue that had started to grow in the background because of the negative experiences that I’d had with my previous partners. Commitment issues were something I had never experienced that, like I said, I just jumped straight into relationships because I was fearless. I was exploring. You know, arguably all of these things, and I do actually believe this, were necessary for me to become the person I am today. It was my journey. They were my lessons and it couldn’t have been any other way. And that’s how you avoid regret. You accept your journey, you accept your vector, right? The way that you’ve decided to live your life and the decisions you’ve made in every moment have been the only decisions that you could have made because you can’t go back in time and change them.

[00:11:49] So how else could it be? And that’s how I don’t have regrets. Everything I’ve done in my life has been for a reason, a good reason. And I’ve learned because of those things. And you’ll have to keep experiencing the same lesson over and over again until you’re ready to move on to the next level of your growth, right?

[00:12:07] So some people live eternally in, a certain life situation because they’re not willing to, or they’re not ready to move to that next level of growth and that’s their journey. You can’t really take that away from them. And there’s nothing you can do. You can. You can try to give them advice.

[00:12:27] You can try to help them see things from a different perspective, but ultimately everybody’s life is their own responsibility. My life is my responsibility and therefore everything I’ve done to this date has been for a reason. And I accept that. 

[00:12:39] Now, this commitment thing is a different thing.

[00:12:42] What I’m saying is. I’m ready to move on. I don’t want to experience that again. I don’t wanna experience the trauma, the lies, the betrayal, the fights, the feelings of self loath. I don’t even know if that’s the right word, but basically all of that is something I do not want to repeat. So when I initially started to meet people after understanding who my next partner should be, I got scared and I started to push them away. I started to get these feelings of anxiety. Like maybe I should be looking for someone who matches the previous type of woman that I was interested in. I didn’t do that. I decided not to go and look for those women because they didn’t attract, they weren’t attractive to me anymore.

[00:13:29] And that was great because I could then go back and reassess. What are the thoughts that are going through my head? Why am I feeling this paranoia? Is it serving me? Is it real? Is that person really going to hurt me? I don’t know, but from my instinct from the work that I’ve done. And from what I can see, it doesn’t look like they’re going to hurt me.

[00:13:55] They don’t seem to have those same character traits as the people that I’ve been with before. And so it just seems to take me in a different direction and I should be open to that. That’s what change means change is the unknown, but you can make decisions based on data, you can make decisions based on good instincts and homework.

[00:14:21] If you do your homework, you’ll feel a lot more confident about the decisions that you’re making. So that was like how I got round the whole commitment issue. I put my foot into the relationship and not rush things. Okay. This might sound a bit weird putting one foot in the relationship and one foot out.

[00:14:39] Let’s be clear. I’m not telling anybody that I want to get married. I’m not telling anybody that I want to have kids, and I’m not telling anybody that, I’m going to promise them anything. All I’m doing is I’m saying I’m interested in you. And if you’re interested in me, let’s make something of it.

[00:14:58] Let’s agree to have a relationship and let’s take it slowly. That’s a good way to start a relationship, not to dive in head first, which is how I used to handle things in the past because I was younger and I actually didn’t feel threatened by time or by failure. And I was still trying to learn who I am as a man and what my life should be like.

[00:15:23] But now, with everything that I’ve experienced, I’m ready for the next level. Like I said, and by being very conscious and being very, I would say self-aware of the feelings that I have, the emotions, the thoughts, everything, that’s going through my head. It’s a constant feedback loop. And it’s trying to tell you something.

[00:15:46] A lot of the time, the things that your emotions are telling you, you misunderstand so anxiety about getting into a relationship with someone doesn’t necessarily mean that person’s wrong for you. Actually, what it might mean is that person is right for you, but you’re just scared of the unknown.

[00:16:10] You’re scared of the growth that’s going to happen because growth requires effort because growth requires you to be your best self and to be your best self You know, it’s not easy. It’s not easy to be in a long-term committed relationship with someone who’s there for you because you don’t want to let them down either.

[00:16:31] You don’t want to be a failure, not only for you, but for them too. So there’s an added level of pressure there as well. If you think about it, I mean, you can see the layers of the onion that I’m peeling back here, these kinds of thoughts. These kinds of introspective thoughts are thoughts that anyone can get into, can receive because all you need to do is spend time by yourself with a goal. And that goal for example, is what do I really want in life in relationships? And it’s an open-ended question, there’s no one way to figure it out. It’s really kind of up to you, but hopefully the guidelines that I’m giving you here are helping you to create a route forward a roadmap, so that you can navigate in your own way with some kind of structure. That’s the goal of this conversation? This again, sorry, this monologue.

[00:17:28] You have to recognize that being in a relationship with someone who is there to support you and to lift you up and to be there at your worst and still stay with you, you have to recognize consciously, that that’s so much more valuable than being alone. And being single and being free to do whatever you want whenever you want.

[00:18:01] You have to recognize that there’s a trade-off that needs to be made somewhere with your own personal freedom, where too much of that can actually be a bad thing. All right. One, you may never have. You could be single and have kids right out. A lot of people are, but that’s not good for the kids. We know that scientifically studies show that children that don’t grow up in, at least a nuclear family environment are much more likely to become criminals or have some kind of depression, suicide rates go up.

[00:18:40] They are much more likely to be impoverished. So there’s a lot of data there that suggests that being, single and trying to live your life with as much personal freedom as possible might not necessarily be a good thing for your own fulfillment, because you don’t want to get to the end line.

[00:19:00] I E you don’t want to be on your death bed and thinking, holy crap. I really wanted to have that experience of having my best person in the world, by my side, for all those years, raising a healthy family and being supported and growing, having that growth again, I come back to the growth thing, cause this is the most important thing for me is if you only get to live once, how much can you really grow by yourself?

[00:19:28] We want to share things. That’s what humans do. We’re social creatures. We want to and I think the reason why we wanna share things is because we want others to experience what we’re experiencing. We want to learn the feedback from them, and we want to use it as a kind of a loop to just become better and better people and have a better and better experience.

[00:19:49] And there’s no better way to do that than to have somebody that you love and you trust and you adore. By your side because you can grow that relationship, right? That relationship flourishes like a flower. If you water it properly, if you take care of it properly, if you cultivate it right better way to describe it.

[00:20:09] So enough with these kind of holes that I’m digging. I think I’ve said basically everything that I wanted to. If you have any questions about relationships and diving into them and all of the, I guess the paranoia’s or the traumas that you’ve experienced.

[00:20:30] And if you relate to anything in this, in this video and you need more insight or you just want to vent,

[00:20:37] let me know. And I’ll definitely set some time aside for you. I greatly appreciate your listening to this, that you’ve got this far. I hope it really helped you.

[00:20:46] I hope it serves you. It’s very important to think about and study, and I wish you the best with your relationships tune in for the next one. I’m going to share something else with you. Hopefully that will change your life too. Take care.